Patience (Deeper)

I am the kind of person who is always doing, going, moving, accomplishing... (etc. I could go on forever). Somewhere along the line over the past 22 years, I created this idea in my head that worth = productivity. 

It's not my fault; our entire society is sort of constructed based on this idea. The man wants us to work, stay busy, keep occupied so we stay out of trouble (is that too much of a conspiracy? Sometimes I feel like Steven Hyde from That 70's Show).

The pandemic has completely shifted this view for me. It has allowed me to slow down and think more about what I really want instead of just blindly trying to accomplish things that don't end up meaning very much to me in the end. 

The only problem is that even though I KNOW deep down that my worth is NOT equal to my productivity or what I accomplish, I can't turn off that controlling part of my brain that wants MORE MORE MORE. I keep trying to map out my future and all of the things (I think) I want to do while I'm unemployed and living at home in Maine. I keep comparing myself to my friends who have already found jobs and moved out west, or to my friends who have moved into apartments on their own after college instead of going back home.

The biggest mistake I think that I am making is that I am not giving myself credit where it is due, and I'm acting like certain life paths mean more than others. I literally graduated 5 days ago, and since then, I've had that voice in the back of my head non-stop blabbering on and on about how I should have my exact life plan mapped out by now. 

Why isn't it automatically okay to go home for a little while after graduation, ESPECIALLY during a pandemic, to figure things out, save some money, and give myself a little bit of repose for once? Because it IS okay!

I am in the process of learning how to have goals and aspirations without controlling or planning when they will exactly happen. I am learning how to be patient and to have trust that things will fall into place where they are meant to. Everything will be okay, I am worthy no matter what I do or where I go, and I will be a happy and fulfilled person as long as I have love and passions and health.

THINGS I WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE (WITH NO EXPECTATIONS OF WHEN AND HOW THEY WILL HAPPEN AND IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):

-Move into my own apartment

-Travel a little- spend time out west (see WA, OR, CA, MT, etc.)

-Hike the AT
-Write a book

-Work for AMC

-Backpack

-Run an ultra-marathon (or two or three or four)

(add onto list as life goes on)