Saudade - In my Wagon "Feels" - an NHOC reflection

“Saudade. Ah, yes, the national word of Portugal. They say saudade is unique to Portuguese, impossible to define in English. Nostalgia gets pretty close, but saudade is more complicated. It’s the remnant of gratitude and bliss that something happened, but the simultaneous devastation that it has gone and will never happen again. It marries the feelings of happy wistfulness and poignant melancholy, anticipation, and hopelessness. It’s universally understood by a cross-ocean culture with a constant feeling of absence, a yearning for the return of something now gone.” - Mari Andrew

I had never felt connected to the song “Wagon Wheel” until the final few hours of the last outing club trip I will ever lead. Spring LT had ended, and we were on our way back home to UNH on a chilly Sunday morning. As always, it had been a weekend of learning, laughing, eating, and team building in Franky Cabin for old and new leaders, alike. I felt fulfilled, yet somehow also very sad. 

There was a part of me that realized that this LT was the beginning of many endings that would be coming in the next few weeks for me, a senior, and for other senior leaders. But, I knew that even though my time with the NHOC and UNH was drawing to a close, the new leaders that had attended LT that weekend would be able to have all of the same experiences that I had in the club, and that was a comforting thought. I had spent the weekend giving back to the club that has helped to shape who I have become in the past four years, and played a role in ensuring that these new leaders would have the same opportunity to learn and grow from the NHOC that I did. It felt good to recognize that.

We had just made a final stop at the Lincoln Dunkin’ Donuts in our bigass SUVs for munchkins and coffee (thank you SAFC!) and were hopping back on I-93 South, when someone in my car (@Celia “CG” Lacey xo) requested the song Wagon Wheel. I sort of laughed to myself; the thought of the country song blasting through our speakers was sort of funny in a dramatic, silly way. But as soon as it started playing, it felt sort of “right”. 

I think my favorite part of NHOC trips is the part when you get to drive home with a car-full of new friends who you shared an exciting experience with. I think some of the most peaceful and fulfilling thoughts and feelings I have ever felt have been during car rides home from outing club trips, as I let the fruits of my “labor” of leading sink in, and feel completely present with my fellow NHOCers as we listen to people’s favorite tunes. It feels so collective and beautiful to be in those moments, where all of our lives have collided and we have achieved some kind of task or had a fun weekend together. I feel like these car rides serve as the official transition between all of us being strangers, to becoming friends. 

As we listened to Wagon Wheel and the mountains began to fade into the distance of my rearview mirror, I began to tear up a little. I found a subtle humor in crying quietly to Wagon Wheel of all songs, but in the moment, everything felt and sounded perfect; we were all listening to the right song at the right time. How beautiful is it that we get to share these small, yet special moments with one another, even just those spent sitting next to one another in a rental car. 

The NHOC has provided me with so many little moments, so many little memories that have filled my heart with so much love and joy for life, the outdoors, and my fellow outdoorsmen and women. What I wouldn’t give to go back to many of those moments… but I know deep down that they were so special because they were fleeting. I hope that students for decades get to have the experiences that we have all gotten to have over these past years. I owe the NHOC so much, and wish all leaders and members the best.